“Although nearly 2 1/2 years have passed since “The Incident,” a sense of shock, numbness and alienation live strong in the soul. When I see my wife and friend standing there inside the visit area, I’m both overjoyed and yet saddened to see her under these conditions. It’s difficult to muster a smile at times and the awkwardness during the first 10 or 15 minutes of our visit is palpable, almost funereal. Like walking into a funeral parlor; our smiles are forced, artificial, less than skin-deep.”
“Believe it or not, whenever Faye was at a visit, it had a more family-like vibe to it. As “unique” as she was, Faye had the best of intentions for her family and sacrificed a lot to see her family was taken care of, even though her methods were, at times, questionable.”
“This photo always gave me a good feeling over the years, as if Joy and I were on the same page. If you look beyond the posed smile, you can see, despite the circumstances, that Joy is happy; our body language says we’ve worked hard on our relationship. We’re a couple; a team. Parents who have worked and supported each other. Look at her dressed in white; she’s stunning. I have a copy of this photo in a small frame and, for me, it tells quite a story: It reminds me of the hardship my crime has placed on the family, and how we fought the world to overcome all that. Joy struggled keeping a job, keeping a house, keeping up appearances with her family. And yet, she was strong enoughz to endure the most difficult and challenging moments in her life. And there were many. Doubt, loneliness, embarrassment, to name a couple. But Joy had style; she shrugged off the sweat and humility of the day, dressed beautifully (always for me), and without ever saying it, told the world that we could overcome anything if we stayed strong. So how’s that for a wife, a mother and a friend?”
“Notice the only one’s smiling: The Youngest and The Oldest (Alexis & Faye). Now why is that? Is it because the youngest doesn’t know any better and the oldest is just happy to be with the best parts of her family?”
“I love this picture. It looks like we’re at a backyard barbeque, not a care in the world, and getting ready to sit down and feed our faces. The facial expressions in this photo are so revealing.”
“As I said above, bringing Faye on a visit (usually) had a positive effect on me. This picture is a good example of that, and displays one of the rare moments when the chemistry was right and we all felt happy to be together. You can tell we’re relaxed, focused on each other, and anxious to get back to our visit.”
“Indicative of not allowing the separation, the “no-husband/no father around” thing desecrate that special time we spent together. Davi & Alexis were growing into that age where they knew this wasn’t a normal situation; that their mother was struggling to stay ahead of the hardship and trying to provide a “normal” home environment; they were really tough kids, and trying their best not to let my predicament to effect them. Look at their smiles! Bright, pure and happy just to see Mom and Dad together, even if in prison.”
“I never liked this photo, probably because it shows how tired and out of balance Joya looks and definitely had something on her mind.”
“Jingle bells, Santa smells, fifteen miles away....”
The hardest time when you’re locked up is during the holidays; Christmas is the hardest of all. It’s supposed to be a time for the young and the young-at-heart to enjoy and celebrate. A time to spend with your mate and children. For laughter and chaos and gluttonous behavior I say! Sure, I have incredible memories of my family during Christmas, and this photo is a tribute to “days passed and better days ahead!”
“I don’t know the individual responsible for writing ‘Old as sin’ on this photo, but when I find out, you will pay----dearly...”
“Notice that the girls are holding pink roses. This must have been Mother’s day, circa May 1989. Davi was an whopping 11 years old and Alexis was becoming The Little Princess at a staggering 7. Mom was pushing 33 and I was trying to hide the big 34. And Faye? I’d leave
it as just “matronly.”
“...Welcome to my madness...”
“Ahh, Christmas! Look at my son! He’s growing like wildfire! I remember so well the outfit Alexis is wearing, Cause she made sure daddy noted that his girl was quickly growing into a young lady and that I should observe the change. Hmmmm... What daddy thought at the time was “Won’t be long before we send her little butt to a convent...”
“From the clothing, this was late Summer, early Fall. It’s just a few months since the previous visit and more than noticeable that both Davi and Alexis have grown a bunch, especially Davi. God! He’s less than head shorter than me! And he’s so friggin’ handsome too! I guess Alexis was trying to get off the little cowgirl look and she’s cute as a button. I’m lovin’ Joy’s new hairstyle and how trim and sexy she’s lookin’, no doubt. It’s funny, but some visits stand out more than others, even though it was so long ago and this visit was one of the more memorable ones.”
“Oh shit!! My son has his first girlfriend and my daughter has boobies!! And my wife looks like Teri Garr in “Young Frankenstein” --What the hell is going on with my family?? Davi has that cool smirk on his face like”Yo! Check out the babe! Yeah, das right, I’m the shit!! And look at Alexis -- she’s chillin’ on daddy’s lap letting her tight little blouse tell her story (“That’s right, I’m with daddy and I got breasts!”) And poor Sante on the edge, looks like the third tit on an elephant.”
“Fucking A!! That’s MY wife!! And I’m diggin’ every second of how she feels against me. On top of that, she smelled SOO-oo-oo damn good too and had me feeling my oats! Like I wrote, “This is the stuff GOOD dreams are made of...”
“Yep. Another Christmas in stir. Here, too, Joy is wearing one of those sexy outfits and I remember how good she felt, how wonderful she smelled;....and it’s so easy to see how hard it was for her to go through another holiday without her husband. Visits like this one taught me the true meaning of the word, “Bittersweet.”
“Yeah, this has to be either 1993 or 1994 cause look how much old Alexis and Davi are. Joy’s hair got longer; so did mine. Davi was going through that high school, basketball, girlfriend thing and looking the part too. handsome and confident. Alexis blossomed into a gorgeous young woman; petite and frail, but with a fiery inner-strength.”
“Ugghh!!!! Joy cut her hair!!!! Just when it was getting nice and long and back to her natural honey blonde color that i love, she goes chop happy and dyes it platinum puke.”
“C’mere my little mouse and let me take all your troubles away!” I think this was the first time I noticed the rings under Joy’s eyes and I knew she was going through a slow burn. This was around the time when I was back in court struggling with getting my conviction overturned. I remember that nothing was going right with the case, that too many promises had been made by the attorneys and even more broken and the one thing I didn’t want to do was let anyone see how depressed I was; how unsure I was that I’d never get to see my family again. It was such a juggling act, trying to give everybody hope but not too much; and yet not let them see how doubtful things really were. I’m not sure if Joy understood most of what was going on. Hell, I wasn’t sure half the time as to what most of that shit meant. But we moved on.”
“Hello, my love. How have you been? I’m doing good now that we’re together with our children.” The look on Joy’s face looking at me is simply priceless; it says so much and yet one thing the most; “We’re gonna be okay, David.” What more can you ask for?”
“Oh shit! It’s the crew from hell!! But where’s Davi??? Did he get lost under Santa’s fat ass?”
“Another one of my favorite pictures. Damn if Joy doesn’t look like a movie actress, a la Mia Farrow, except prettier.”
“My son and I are beginning to adopt very similar looks. All he needed was a thick mustache and we’d be twins.”
“This is a good family photo. Even with the crappy lighting, it shows our faces pretty well, but it also captured that nice, playful and cheery family dynamic. But Davi, ya gotta give up the shirt...”
“Davi’s got a new girlfriend, Davi’s got a girlfriend.” Yeah, Jen was a good kid, but her brother Danny was a little “off” if you know what I mean. But I appreciated and was very grateful that he drove you guys down to visit me as often as he did. Very generous guy...”
“Jingle bells, Santa smells, less than two feet away....” X-mas in prison sucks; having your family leave their home on the biggest holiday of the year to visit a loved one in prison sucks even more. Having to watch your family sit on Santa’s lap (instated of my own lap) sucks the most!”
“Happy Birthday, Davi!! This was the ’97 Skin Head look for Davi, Whom I thought would never go that far. It showed me just how much my son was changing”
“I really love these pictures. A father/daughter moment. Two flashes of life caught on film that served to remind me over the years just how much I threw away by my stupidity.”
“I really love these pictures. A husband/wife moment. Two flashes of life caught on film that served to remind me over the years just how much I threw away by my stupidity.”
“Enter Eagle, in the plaid shirt and the blonde chick next to him (Lorange). Eagle was trying to be sweet on her, but I think he was either too old for her, or she wasn’t into guys or something. What I like about this photo are the smiles. Everyone has their own shit about them, Their own personality coming through their smile and just the way they were muggin’ it up in front of the camera. One of those rare times when the chemistry was right and everyone was just being themselves.”
“C’mon my darling, lets trip the night away!” Good moment, good mood.”
“Group photo! C’mon everyone, squeeze together and lets get this picture taken so we can go back and party!” By now, Eagle and I had become “Ciye”(Brother) to each other; comrades in the movement and brothers with the family. A good friend and teacher. His friendship lent much to my own existence; once you guys left prison and returned home, Eagle and I were best of friends; we cooked for each other, hung out together, learned about each other’s family’s and experiences, prayed together and just found so much meaning while confined within the belly of the beast. It made it so much more relevant when Joy, Davi and Alexis opened their hearts to him, too.”
“...my lover and comrade in arms, my wife...What a great kisser!”
“...I love just how much I dug kissing my buddy, my pal, my friend...”
“I really dislike this picture.”
“Now, lets talk about who has the blahs! Fuck, even Santa looks like he’s had enough of silly visitors sitting his lap and wondering who the next asshole will be...”
“The skyline is right behind us and all is well in the city, it tells me we were doing pretty good that day...”
“I got both of my ladies”
“Yo! Ho! Ho! and a bottle of rum. me laddies! This was the first visit where we had to wear prison-issued clothes; they made us send out our civilian clothes and prison would never be the same. It was also the same month they stopped letting us get monthly food packages as well as sending out our computers. Those policy changes forever changed the way we would “do time” and how we approached day-to-day situations. God, there were so many things going on at the time; my separate life from my family’s life; my family’s life from my life. And all the growth spurts Davi and Alexis were going through. Joy had to put so much effort in trying to play bread-winner, mother and father and still keep up our relationship. It had to be so hard on her. Here, and if memory serves, Joy’s parents were up to their old tricks again, making life very difficult for her and the kids. I also recall that her father, Richie was beginning to suffer from a few things and not long after, suffered his first heart attack. Tough times indeed.”
“We ended so many of our visits with a kiss.“
“And we began so many visits with a kiss.... Kissing is so nice. Even when you have a little beard thing going on.”
“And without missing a beat till next visit, we begin with yet another kiss. But this is the kind of kiss where you just gaze into each other’s eyes for a bit and you start feeling a little mushy, lovey-dovey kind of stuff, then your faces slowly draw closer until you can smell the fragrance of your honey’s perfume or soap she used to shower with, or even the shampoo wafting from her hair. Finally your lips lightly touch. Warm, moist, intimate. Her fingertips gently caress your face as a the kiss deepens. More intimate. An interlude with humanity. So nice...”
“Just how much time has passed; and how quickly we’re all aging and it sure as hell ain’t easy for any of us.This photo is from around late ’98 or early ’99, which means that we’ve been separated for almost 15 years. Even though Davi and Alexis don’t outwardly show their regret or disappointment, I know that Joy struggles with the separation daily. Nothing disturbs me more than to see how much my predicament -- my fuck-up -- has affected not only my family but the family’s of my victims. Every visit yields a different dynamic, a different set of smiles and body language, a different conversation; each visit, especially when we’ve been out of touch for a couple of months or more, yield new growth spurts which I really see in Davi and Alexis, or a new wrinkle in Joy’s beautiful face (no thanks to me).”
“And what do we have here.....hmmmm.....ahh, yes,
the first photo with my son’s soul mate: Introducing Ms. Kumi Hayase. You know what’s so cool? Look at my son. My darling, charming son has a look of such content and happiness in his face, his eyes sparkle with a new things he has found, something called love. I feel his love, their love in between my arms and my fatherly pride soars higher than an eagle and I’m so blessed they share this with me. Content.”
“And here’s my little BuzzHeadBabe. Ain’t she cute?”
“Yeah, the group photo just goes to show ya how much of a nuclear family we have. Come one, come all.”
“Don’t mess wid my kids, or I kill you like a stuck pig!” Hey, isn’t this a great photo? Look at the smile on Davi’s face, just brilliant as the sun. And Kumi has a great smile.”
“This visit was for Alexis and Joya’s Birthday month . The following week is when the Twin Towers fell and a week after that I was shipped to Rahway State Prison.”
“This is the only Polaroid taken while I was at Rahway and I know this from the painting hanging on the wall behind us. The entire tone of this visit was so damn good. Being at Rahway, even under the circumstances (sent because of my involvement with that Native American Litigation), gave me a new perspective on doing time. Like renewed hope. That I may be getting much closer to getting the hell out and reuniting with my family. Unfortunately, it wasn’t to be and I was sent back to Trenton not long after this picture was taken.”
“I had to keep coming back and forth to this picture only because of the major change in Joy. Almost three years have passed since the previous photo and Joy has undergone some pretty heavy things at home with her parents, with her job(s) and undoubtedly with me. Just look at her face and frame; she put on so much weight. Again, when Joy puts on weight, it means that she’s been under a lot of stress and it’s all directly related to her parents, the ups and downs she had with work, the ups and downs she and I have been having and just trying to keep a roof over their heads. It’s been tougher on her and I’m sure just as tough on Davi and Alexis. What pissed me off at the time was the little I could do to ease the weight on her shoulders. As they say, every picture tells a story and some require us to read between the images. This is that type of picture.”
“This was taken not long after Eagle was shipped back to Arizona; I remember this photo and I remember that Eagle’s departure left a void in my day-to-day routine. We were really good friends. Fortunately, my family came to visit and pulled me up from my gloominess....This was a notably good visit, too, cause I think everyone knew I was depressed. Yeah, I’m loving how great Davi and Kumi look together; I’m enjoying how good it felt to be with my family.”
“I remember this photo, too. Joy had come down by herself. It was cool. We had a good time and talked about the problems with her parents, about what Davi, Kumi and Alexis were doing and complained more about her parents and then complained about my parents. I guess it was just a day of letting it all out and you can tell that the tears came out -- just look at Joy’s eyes.”
“Daddy, daddy, daddy can I PLEEEEZZZE have a horsey?? !! ??” What a great look on Alexis’ face. That I would ever experience that kind of love and adoration after all my sins, my absence, my inability and still look at her even a modicum of what she and Davi needed and deserved and still look at me with those kind of eyes just amazes me. Yeah, I’m truly a blessed man.”
“Holy Shit!! Why the hell is everyone standing like Wyatt Earp at the O.K. Corral??Look at everyone’s face -- not one smile among us (except for Joy’s smirk). This is like saying “Yo! Don’t even think about fuckin’ with us today, cause we just ain’t feelin’ it, dig?” I’m not sure if something happened between Alexis and Joy (a lot of shit was going on with Richie and Faye’s health needs and undoubtedly big responsibility for Joy and Alexis and the trip down to the prison likely had an argument or two going on between them), or maybe it was about something else. It was hard to tell since Joy wasn’t confiding in me everything that was going on with her. Look at Alexis’ eyes. She looks as if she just had a 30 minute cry, or was totally hungover from the night before. Again, it was hard to tell since neither liked to talk to me about that kind of stuff.”
“My two favorite gals. What a great Christmas present, huh? Here, too, Alexis has such a great smile. She just radiates. And Kumi, still somewhat somber (we’re still getting to know each other), has her own shine. So my little ladies, shine on!! And Thank you for letting me shine, too.”
“This is one of my top five favorite pictures and just goes to show that Joy and I sure knew how to make gorgeous kids. That’s MY son, ya hear me??!!?? Need I say more?”
“Here we go with Daddio’s two favorite gals. Isn’t Kumi ultra elegant looking? She has that secretive look, with just a hint of a smile, but beautiful beyond words. This is Alexis before she left for Japan, but this was her new hair-do and I was so happy she went back to her natural honey blonde. It fits her face best.”
“It’s now 22 years into the prison bid and the only ones looking worse for wear are me and Joy. Her smile, as beautiful as it is, hides so much. Notice how heavy she got which meant more hardships at home. Namely Faye passing to the other side and her Dad, Richie, rapidly declining in health. On top of that, Joy lost the job at Sak’s and from that point slowly did a downward spiral. I can’t imagine just how difficult it was for her, or for that matter, how hard it must have been for Alexis and Davi to get along with her. Joy was never too fond of having to deal with stress, but I think once her Mother passed away and her Father began showing heavy symptoms of Alzheimer’s, Joy had no one else to turn to for the type of support she really needed. Instead, she had little patience for anyone including herself. We all hoped this was short-lived...”
“Through the gloom shines the sun and Davi has always been upbeat, positive and patient. He’ll never know just how much strength and inspiration I’ve drawn from him over the years. Like a solid piece of granite.”
“Reminds me of a scene from a Henry Fonda movie like “On Golden Pond” where the young-ish couple is shown in retrospect and then ends with them (noticeably older) comfortable in each other’s arms.”
I hope this project has given a more human face to a misunderstood part of prison culture, the “Visit Hall.” A place where many families, such as ours have used as a lifeline to the free world. But in that world within a world, you’ve given a face to what the uninitiated in free society see only in shadows or worse, as the forgotten.
